I’ve reached the point where I no longer know what to eat. Everywhere I look there’s another article featuring conflicting ‘findings’ and staunch ‘experts’ who are trying to tell me what to eat!
Problem is, I’ve seen it all before.
I’ve been watching my weight since I was a young teen, and as I’m terribly and unusually ancient, that’s a very, very long time. I’ve seen every diet known to man. I’ve heard all the messianic spiels.
Grapefruit cleansing diet? Done it.
Don’t eat anything after 8pm diet? Done it.
Spurn carbs from your diet, diet? Been there got the smelly bathroom and a life-long relationship with Metamucil to prove it.
Back when I was a teen the big deal was the Atkins diet. I can’t quite recall what this entailed but remember vaguely that it included eating Brewers yeast and grit. Well, maybe not actual playground grit but it sure did look like it.
The next big thing in my diet memory is the two days on three days off diet. Or maybe it was three days on and two days off. I can’t remember. I do remember the huge relief of reaching an ‘off’ day which found me running around grabbing as much ‘naughty’ food as possible.
And that’s been the one consistent thing all the way through. All of the fads, no matter how well intentioned or how celebrity endorsed they are have all featured this element of ‘good’ and ‘bad’, ‘clean or dirty’, ‘naughty or good’.
When did eating food become a moral problem?
When did eating a bag of Marshmellows (mmm marshies) become a sin as loathsome as nicking from the supermarket or stealing another woman’s husband?
Of course there are other similarities – the fervency of the diet missionaries, the Preacher man style of a figurehead for the movement, and the widespread PR that spreads the ‘good word.’
When will this madness cease?
It’s got to the point where I cannot even open my fridge or pantry to find nourishment to sustain my being (because that’s what feeding is!) without feeling pangs of confusion and guilt.
Take this morning’s breakfast for example.
I could have toast – but that’s carbs and without any protein I’ll surely wither and die before lunchtime.
Or I could have protein (eggs, bacon – assuming there is any in the cupboard after the locusts have been through) but don’t eggs cause high cholesterol and don’t people die from eating too much bacon? I could have fruit but bananas are bad for something (can’t remember what. Potassium levels?) and apples and oranges are too sweet and full of fructose which will cause a large spike in my blood sugar levels. I’d be better off with something that slowly released sugars, like cereal. Ah, but there’s a snag. Cereal has dried fruit in it (it has to otherwise it tastes like sawdust) and the oats and wheatgerm and other makes me bloat and isn’t good for my ‘gluten intolerance’.
I could simply have a glass of milk. None left. Why do we always run out of milk. And, they saw that drinking milk isn’t good for asthmatics and can exacerbate your immune system, or something. I could go Asian and have a bowl of rice, but actually isn’t that too much carbs for me too and too much rice blocks me up.
Coffee, Prozac and wine.
Wine is largely made from fruit and is therefore healthy (ish), but it does have a BIG problem in that having a liquid breakfast will surely raise the alarm bells at the local mental health service.
So coffee it is. With a side of Prozac. Oh and by the way didn’t the Atkins diet founder guy die?
I rest my case.
Happy days! What did you manage to eat for breakfast?