Let them eat Paleo cake

Vegemitevix-funny

Img: CC Flickr – https://www.flickr.com/photos/jenosaur/48

Enough already!

I’ve reached the point where I no longer know what to eat. Everywhere I look there’s another article featuring conflicting ‘findings’ and staunch ‘experts’ who are trying to tell me what to eat!

Problem is, I’ve seen it all before.

I’ve been watching my weight since I was a young teen, and as I’m terribly and unusually ancient, that’s a very, very long time. I’ve seen every diet known to man. I’ve heard all the messianic spiels.

Grapefruit cleansing diet? Done it.

Don’t eat anything after 8pm diet? Done it.

Spurn carbs from your diet, diet? Been there got the smelly bathroom and a life-long relationship with Metamucil to prove it.

Back when I was a teen the big deal was the Atkins diet. I can’t quite recall what this entailed but remember vaguely that it included eating Brewers yeast and grit. Well, maybe not actual playground grit but it sure did look like it.

The next big thing in my diet memory is the two days on three days off diet. Or maybe it was three days on and two days off. I can’t remember. I do remember the huge relief of reaching an ‘off’ day which found me running around grabbing as much ‘naughty’ food as possible.

And that’s been the one consistent thing all the way through. All of the fads, no matter how well intentioned or how celebrity endorsed they are have all featured this element of ‘good’ and ‘bad’, ‘clean or dirty’, ‘naughty or good’.

When did eating food become a moral problem?

When did eating a bag of Marshmellows (mmm marshies) become a sin as loathsome as nicking from the supermarket or stealing another woman’s husband?

Of course there are other similarities – the fervency of the diet missionaries, the Preacher man style of a figurehead for the movement, and the widespread PR that spreads the ‘good word.’

When will this madness cease?

It’s got to the point where I cannot even open my fridge or pantry to find nourishment to sustain my being (because that’s what feeding is!) without feeling pangs of confusion and guilt.

Take this morning’s breakfast for example.

I could have toast – but that’s carbs and without any protein I’ll surely wither and die before lunchtime.

Or I could have protein (eggs, bacon – assuming there is any in the cupboard after the locusts have been through) but don’t eggs cause high cholesterol and don’t people die from eating too much bacon? I could have fruit but bananas are bad for something (can’t remember what. Potassium levels?) and apples and oranges are too sweet and full of fructose which will cause a large spike in my blood sugar levels. I’d be better off with something that slowly released sugars, like cereal. Ah, but there’s a snag. Cereal has dried fruit in it (it has to otherwise it tastes like sawdust) and the oats and wheatgerm and other makes me bloat and isn’t good for my ‘gluten intolerance’.

I could simply have a glass of milk. None left. Why do we always run out of milk. And, they saw that drinking milk isn’t good for asthmatics and can exacerbate your immune system, or something. I could go Asian and have a bowl of rice, but actually isn’t that too much carbs for me too and too much rice blocks me up.

What’s left?

Coffee, Prozac and wine.

Wine is largely made from fruit and is therefore healthy (ish), but it does have a BIG problem in that having a liquid breakfast will surely raise the alarm bells at the local mental health service.

So coffee it is. With a side of Prozac. Oh and by the way didn’t the Atkins diet founder guy die?

I rest my case.

Happy days! What did you manage to eat for breakfast?


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'Let them eat Paleo cake' has 10 comments

  1. June 15, 2015 @ 5:28 pm Midlife Singlemum

    What you didn’t do the Scarsdale Diet? The cabbage soup diet? My problem is now one of ethics mixed into the batter. If you’re not vegan on my fb thread, you’re immoral. Add to that the fact that margerine is one molecule away from plastic and sugar is poison. Add to that the subsidized foods are milk, cheese, white bread, and eggs wile the alternaltive milks are three times the price. Plus my 6yo won’t eat anything that’s sat next to a bean and only eats cheese and the whites from hard boiled eggs. I’m down to crisps and black coffee as my staple diet.

    Reply

    • June 15, 2015 @ 6:23 pm Vicki Jeffels

      Oh yes I forgot about sugar. Isn’t there a movement about that says that you should be charged with maltreatment if you feed kids sugar? Mind you, you can’t go too wrong with crisps and black coffee! xx

      Reply

  2. June 15, 2015 @ 7:36 pm Elizabeth

    Hahaha – I know, we have good old porridge or egg & toast! We have to follow a very strict diet because of genuine allergies & intolerances, but the problem with that is everyone thinks that you are just following the fad & look at you sideways! But the good thing is that there are lots of cafés that cater for these, & people are generally more understanding than they were when I was a kid!

    Reply

    • June 17, 2015 @ 8:36 am Vicki Jeffels

      I know that there are very genuine cases of people needing to cut out gluten and dairy (my niece has Coeliacs) I guess what I’m trying to poke fun at is the morality of ‘good’ and ‘naughty’ food and the latest fads. I need to lose weight and probably should change my diet but actually I probably need to concentrate on my emotional mindset first. I was married to a type 1 diabetic so I do know how hard it can be. You should have seen the looks this overweight man would receive when he was hoofing down sugar to stave off hypoglycaemia! I saved his life with marshmellows a few times. You have all my thoughts and hope that this made you smile a wee bit. Some of us folk don’t know how lucky we are to not have to confront this real issue every day. xx

      Reply

  3. June 16, 2015 @ 1:53 am Mrs TeePot

    THIS! So much this!

    Reply

    • June 17, 2015 @ 8:37 am Vicki Jeffels

      Yeah. Are you staving off food altogether as I’m considering, also? I’m thinking I might run with a liquid diet – coffee and wine.

      Reply

  4. June 16, 2015 @ 8:04 am Cathy

    Love this post Vicki so apt. I skipped breakfast today, well the eating part at least and just had a cup of tea with one sugar 😉

    Reply

    • June 17, 2015 @ 8:39 am Vicki Jeffels

      Now you see I figure that counts as breakfast you had liquid and solids! In Paris it would be perfect (it you replaced tea with coffee) x

      Reply

  5. June 18, 2015 @ 9:10 pm Di

    I have to admit that I lost 8 kgs cutting out carbs and upping the exercise. However, it was just a short term plan! My Mum is visiting from NZ and I have been busy munching on Pineapple Lumps, Jaffas, Oddfellows and numerous packets of Sultana Pasties!! Had carbs for breakfast. I am doomed I tell you, doomed! 🙂

    Reply

    • August 15, 2015 @ 3:25 pm Vicki Jeffels

      Wow! 8 kgs!!!!? That’s massive, well done. But you see you can’t beat good old Pineapple lumps for putting a spring in your step. x

      Reply


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