5 signs your life is ruled by cats


I tell ya it’s a crisis – there’s NO FOOD

The ancient Egyptians were onto something when they worshipped cats. Worshipping them ensured that they knew exactly what they were up to, a rigour we have not maintained in the modern age.

Make no bones about it though, Tiddles is in control! She rules the roost. Don’t believe me? Here’s 5 Signs your life is ruled by the cats in your house.

1. Throw away the alarm clock – You wake at 6am and you never need an electronic alarm clock. You have a furry one. It wails like a banshee in your face until you rouse. If that fails it employs never-fail method number two; a claw up the nostril. There is not an alarm clock more demanding than a cat who wants breakfast.


Keep ya hair on I’m checking my emails.

2.  Iddy biddy paw prints everywhere – You have the tiniest paw prints everywhere. On your car, on your white duvet cover, and yes, even on your toilet seat. How the hell the cat can reach the loo water I have no idea, but it may pay to remember the fetid water sipping next time she licks your face. Nothing says ‘I own you’ more than licking your face with a loo water washed tongue.


It’s with utmost generosity that I let you sleep in MY bed.

3. Walking funny – You have a permanent crick in your back called the cat hollow. It’s particularly irksome when it’s large enough to incorporate two stretched out felines. Of course there are variations on a theme – some suffer from the horseback riding for weeks stumble (where a cat has snuggled herself into your warmest corner of your inner thigh) and others suffer from the Burrito bend in the neck where Puss has made herself at home under your chin. Why don’t you just throw the cat out of the room? It doesn’t do much for the romantic moment to smooch to the accompaniment of a cat yowling at the bedroom door.

4. Territorial Tigers – They mark their territory – I don’t mean the unfortunate habit of un-neutered Tom cats – I mean they leave their calling cards everywhere. You know your world is ruled by a cat if you wake in the night and immediately assume the squelch underfoot as you race to the loo is not a harmless soggy tissue but rather a disembowelled skink or tail-less rat. Despite bells on the collar and keeping the cats in at night we still have a wildlife disaster at least once a month in our house.

But that’s not the only way cats mark their spot, or their human servants. It’s hard to understand how they can shed so much cat hair and still have a fulsome coat on their well-fed bodies. In fact I once named my business White Cat so that whenever I went out covered in cat hair I could wryly smile and refer to it as ‘branding’.


I’ll accept a curtsey this morning, I’m feeling generous.

5. First in best fed – In our house emergency supplies that we cannot go without ever include – loo roll, coffee, tea, and CAT FOOD. One of these is more critical than the others. One of these will see us venture out into the wind and snow if there is nothing in the house. It will be desperately substituted by salmon or tinned tuna or even chicken from the people’s table, if the desire for kitty crack (cat biscuits) cannot be satiated.

Our cats have been known to nick the dog’s dinner (yes, the mighty 30 kg Labrador who outweighs them 5:1) if there’s nothing to be found in their dish. And God forbid if there’s a space in their cat bowl, so you can see the bottom of the dish. The biscuits could be piled up as high as Kilimanjaro on the side but a hole in the overall biscuit covered bowl means only one thing: imminent starvation.

In our house the dog will cope without a meal or two, the humans will cope without a meal or two, but there’s one thing the humans will definitely not survive – the cats going without a meal.

And that’s evidence that in our household the cats rule. Is it the same thing in yours?


'5 signs your life is ruled by cats' has 2 comments

  1. May 25, 2015 @ 12:28 pm alice lightning

    how true I have 7 cats and one puppy animal food is always top of the shopping list and I have to squeeze in bed at night its so crowded great reading so funny yet so true


    • May 25, 2015 @ 12:51 pm Vicki Jeffels

      Wow I have to ask: Do you actually get any space in the bed? And woe betide you if you try to adjust the duvet to cover you. At least you’ll never have need of a hot water bottle.


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