I already wrote a post about the last day of 2014. And I lost it.
The internet swallowed it and spat it and digested it and it’s still making its way through the large intestine. Obviously. As I cannot see it. It’s gone.
But like 2014 itself I have to let it go.
Here are my notes on 2014. I learnt a great deal. I cried more. I despaired considerably.
I spent time in Britomart with naked people. Dressed only in body paint.
All three kids were in car accidents.
We moved. Again. But this time we landed at Amaranth Cottage, a fantastic cottage with an unruly garden on Bucklands Beach. It’s been my saving grace.
This year I have learnt a great deal but none of these lessons have come easily.
The low point was driving away from my other half admitted to a Mental Health respite centre. My heart is aching I told my sister on text. I went home and didn’t cry. I couldn’t. I was numb.
Then came rebuilding with all its false steps and desperate pleas for it to be over. It wasn’t over quickly. It was a painstaking rebuilding. Bit by bit. Relationship. Family life. Everything.
A kind of uncommon grief.
Hard to relate. Hard to navigate through.
Yet people rallied around. People we didn’t know turned up with gift cards and food parcels. Bless them. Angels all.
I cannot tell you how hard it is to try and maintain a sense of normalcy when everything is falling apart. I tried to blog through, but I didn’t really manage it. It was hard to know where my story ended and his story – the one I don’t have license to tell – began.
I started working at a ‘real job’ and doing long days away from home. It was hard to trust that things would be OK in my absence, and sometimes they simply weren’t. My Englishman tried hard to provide a hearty meal at the end of the day, the kids begged me to come home earlier and cook for them.
And then somehow we managed to make it to..now. The end of the year. I won’t lie, I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful 2014 is over. It has asked of me more than I ever thought I could stump up. But, I’m still here.
Funny that. Therefore but for the grace of God…? I really don’t know. I don’t know why we are still here, but we are.
And, for that I am enormously grateful.
So, 2014 I’m not sad to see you go. Please go quickly, I’m done with you. I’m done. I’m praying for a quiet 2015. I’m praying for peace and calm and gentle growth. And just quietly, I’m grateful that I’m still standing.