Not with a bang but a whimper

I already  wrote a post about  the last day of 2014. And I lost it.vpix

The internet swallowed it and spat it and digested it and it’s still making its way through the large intestine. Obviously. As I cannot see it. It’s gone.

But like 2014 itself I have to let  it go.

Here are my notes on 2014. I learnt a great deal. I cried more. I despaired considerably.

I spent time in Britomart with naked people. Dressed only in body paint.

All three kids were in car accidents.

We moved. Again. But this time we landed at Amaranth Cottage, a fantastic cottage with an unruly garden on Bucklands Beach. It’s been my saving grace.

This year I have learnt a great deal but none of these lessons have come easily.

The low point was driving away from my other half admitted to a Mental Health respite centre. My heart is aching I told my sister on text. I went home and didn’t cry. I couldn’t. I was numb.

Then came rebuilding with all its false steps and desperate pleas for it to be over. It wasn’t over quickly. It was a painstaking rebuilding. Bit by bit. Relationship. Family life. Everything.

A kind of uncommon grief.

Hard to relate. Hard to navigate through.

Yet people rallied around. People we didn’t know turned up with gift cards and food parcels. Bless them. Angels all.

I cannot tell you how hard it is to try and maintain a sense of normalcy when everything is falling apart. I tried to blog through, but I didn’t really manage it. It was hard to know where my story ended and his story – the one I don’t have license to tell – began.

I started working at a ‘real job’ and doing long days away from home. It was hard to trust that things would be OK in my absence, and sometimes they simply weren’t. My Englishman tried hard to provide a hearty meal at the end of the day, the kids begged me to come home earlier and cook for them.

And then somehow we managed to make it The end of the year. I won’t lie, I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful 2014 is over. It has asked of me more than I ever thought I could stump up. But, I’m still here.

Funny that. Therefore but for the grace of God…? I really don’t know. I don’t know why we are still here, but we are.

And, for that I am enormously grateful.

So, 2014 I’m not sad to see you go. Please go quickly, I’m done with you. I’m done. I’m praying for a quiet 2015. I’m praying for peace and calm and gentle growth. And just quietly, I’m grateful that I’m still standing.


'Not with a bang but a whimper' has 12 comments

  1. December 31, 2014 @ 10:21 pm Madeleine @ NZ Ecochick

    Wow what a post. You are often in my thoughts. Hugs and kisses and may 2015 be an amazing one Mx


    • December 31, 2014 @ 10:27 pm vegemitevix

      Thank you darling, Hope, faith love that’s all we have, ever. I’ve learnt that this year,. xx


  2. December 31, 2014 @ 11:03 pm MidlifeSinglemum

    Lots of love and good wishes for a lovely 2015. I was going to say wonderful, amazing, or fantastic but I sense that you just need it to be lovely. You are in m thoughts and I was wondering where you’d gone. Glad to see you’ve survived and are moving forward. xxxx


    • January 6, 2015 @ 12:34 pm vegemitevix

      Thank you so much. So pleased to have the year behind me and it’s beautifully summery down here in this part of the world. xx


  3. January 1, 2015 @ 12:20 am Steve

    Sincerely hoping that 2015 is a time of healing and of love and of joy for all of you.


    • January 6, 2015 @ 12:35 pm vegemitevix

      Thanks Steve, I hope so too and will work as hard as I can to make it so. Just like Captain Kirk. ;-p


  4. January 1, 2015 @ 9:49 am Bright Side of Life

    I know it has been a tough year for you. It’s over now and here is wishing you an amazing 2015. It has to be better, right? Just have to get over the blip of our kids heading off to Uni! Happy New Year, Vix.
    Di xx


    • January 6, 2015 @ 12:36 pm vegemitevix

      Thanks so much Di! Yes my daughter is already stressing about leaving in six weeks’ time. Whew, I know that time will go so quickly, and now the oldest one is thinking it might be time to spread his wings and go flatting. It could be a very quiet household come the end of the year.


  5. January 1, 2015 @ 3:12 pm Dorothy

    It always seems like we can’t possibly get through the hard stuff, the scary stuff, but somehow, we do. One day we realise that we ARE doing it, that we have survived it and that we CAN go on. I hope 2015 is a good one.


    • January 6, 2015 @ 12:37 pm vegemitevix

      We just do, eh Dorothy! I know you know what I mean. Onwards and upwards – but preferably not outwards. ;-p


  6. January 6, 2015 @ 12:30 pm Sharon Laufer

    Its so brave of you to put it all out there. Here’s to a happy and healthy 2015.


    • January 6, 2015 @ 12:37 pm vegemitevix

      Thank you Sharon for stopping by and for your warm encouragement. I’m counting on 2015 being our year. I reckon it’s about time. Hope it is a good un for you too.


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