This is life

So today I spent all day in a facility. Filling forms, fielding accusations, fighting for calm.

raven

Image: Flickr CC – https://www.flickr.com/photos/nabok/

Today, I left my love behind.

In good hands truly. At least, I pray so.

Today I learnt about life.

They’ve all lied. Julie Andrews and the rest – life isn’t rainbows, or mittens or kittens. NO matter how cute.

Life really is blue veined raw. Beating, pulsing. Angry.

My youngest child was brought home with the school counsellor. She needs support. She does. My 20 year old has made an appointment with the counselling team.

Life is telling  your beloved he is in safe hands when all he sees is pain. And he blames you.

Life is telling your children that it will get better. It will be calm. It will be predictable, secure and kind. And if it isn’t you will beat Life until it is so. For them.

Life is telling your adult son that his pain is real, and frightening and overwhelming. But it will be surmountable. You promise. But you’re not entirely sure.

(Fuck. You’re really not sure.)

Life is full of surprises, not all of them good. And you can only hope that one day that thread of wrought, fraught pain matters.

To someone. Somewhere.

Life is frequently unfair, often unkind, occasionally cruel.

And yet, it is incredible.

Hope lies in its lap.

We are ever hopeful, prayerful, dutiful.

Life is unpredictable – sometimes for the good. Sometimes not, at least not that we can tell.

I bid my love goodbye today. And then I prayed as if every blood vessel in my body was a chapel that it would be OK.

I was uncomfortably mortal today, but I was alive. And gratefully, so was he.


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'This is life' has 22 comments

  1. September 24, 2014 @ 11:01 pm Trish @ Mum's Gone to

    Life has a way of hitting you in the guts when you least expect it. I obviously don’t know what has happened but I feel your pain and anxiety and hope with all my heart that this is just a blip and life will be kind to you again very soon xxx

    Reply

    • September 25, 2014 @ 2:54 am vegemitevix

      Thank you Trish for your kind thoughts. xx

      Reply

  2. September 24, 2014 @ 11:38 pm Sarah

    Thinking of you and your family immensely. I wish I had some eloquent words of comfort up my sleeve. All I can say is I’m praying for this storm you are riding to quell very soon. With love and hope xx

    Reply

    • September 25, 2014 @ 2:54 am vegemitevix

      Thank you Sarah, I’m praying the storm passes soon too. Thank you xx

      Reply

  3. September 25, 2014 @ 1:16 am utterlyscrummy

    Thinking of you and sending you lots of love and hugs and strength. Hope the storm clears soon and you all have a much easier time. Life can be very hard, then harder still but you’ll get through it. Hang in there lovely, always here if you need a chat xx

    Reply

    • September 25, 2014 @ 2:54 am vegemitevix

      Thank you lovely. Life has not been kind to you lately either. Sending you love across the miles in return. xx

      Reply

    • September 25, 2014 @ 2:54 am vegemitevix

      Thank you lovely. Life has not been kind to you lately either. Sending you love across the miles in return. xx

      Reply

  4. September 25, 2014 @ 1:26 am Looking for Blue Sky

    Thinking of you xx

    Reply

  5. September 25, 2014 @ 5:01 am pottymummy

    Thinking of you and your family Vix. x

    Reply

  6. September 25, 2014 @ 8:42 am Dawn

    Commenting so you know I’m here and will be for whatever you need x

    Reply

    • October 19, 2014 @ 9:08 pm vegemitevix

      Thank you Dawn. Sorry it’s taken an age to reply to your comment, we’ve just been keeping our head above water really. Often I’ve thought about the title of your book ‘Things don’t always have to be the way they’ve always been’. Might need to pass it on to my man sometime soon. Vx

      Reply

  7. September 25, 2014 @ 12:45 pm Meghan @ MNMs

    Thinking of you dear Vicki – praying too xx

    Reply

    • October 19, 2014 @ 9:09 pm vegemitevix

      Thank you hun, and thank you so much for the beautiful gift of photography and brownies!!

      Reply

  8. September 25, 2014 @ 5:49 pm Martin Koss

    Vicki, you know where I am and you know you can message me anytime. I came through this post with you feeling every ounce of pain and anxiety and worry and sorrow and hope and am so so hopeful for you and your Englishman and your entire family… Thinking of you all. Hugs.

    Reply

    • October 19, 2014 @ 9:09 pm vegemitevix

      Thank you so much lovely man and for all your support. x

      Reply

  9. September 25, 2014 @ 7:24 pm MidlifeSinglemum

    I can’t get a grip on what’s going on from this post, only that you are all going through something painful and disturbing and that you are (all) getting help. I’m sending you lots of love and hope that this will pass as quickly as possible with everyone in tact. Hugs and kisses from Jerusalem xxx

    Reply

    • October 19, 2014 @ 9:10 pm vegemitevix

      Hey hun, thank you so much for your love. By now you’ll be all clued up as to what happened. We are now on the slow road to recovery. x

      Reply

  10. September 26, 2014 @ 12:02 am Kira W

    Your fear is palpable in this writing. You have so much support and love behind you. Rest on it as comfortably as you are able, it will help you through the very dark narrow parts of the tunnel. Wishing you all all the peace and light you need. Much love to you Vicki.

    Reply

    • October 19, 2014 @ 9:10 pm vegemitevix

      Thank you Kira. I have often felt the light and love of people holding us up. It’s been hard but I think we are getting there, finally.

      Reply

  11. September 26, 2014 @ 2:16 am Bright Side of Life!

    Thinking of you, always. xx

    Reply

    • October 19, 2014 @ 9:11 pm vegemitevix

      Thank you hun. Sharing your search for the ‘bright side of life’ right now. x

      Reply


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