Woman – A Manual ver 2013

It has come to my attention that women are not that easy to understand. By men, that is. Particularly not boyfriends or husbands. So I offer here a few handy tips on how to operate with your Woman.


Img via Flickr CC Kaptain Kobold

Please do remember this manual is best applied to the 2013 model Woman off the New Zealand manufacturing line.

1/ Fragile, Handle with Care

The first most important instruction is the above. The Woman is a strangely fragile thing, despite being remarkably made and housed in a strong body that can with-hold the pressures of childbirth, two jobs (day and night) and raising teenagers. She is resilient and strong and made of tough stuff, but do be aware that most bruising occurs on the inside where it is not easily detected. Words are more wounding than body blows and treatment can severely  limit the affection mode and may cause the hurling plates function to kick in. My best advice is simply – Fragile, Handle with Care.

2/ This Way Up

Your Woman was not designed to bow down to anyone, significant others included. Whilst earlier models may have been manufactured in a societal environment that encouraged the Woman to shine less than her male counterparts, the 2013 model will react negatively to any insistence of submissive behaviour. Your 2013 Kiwi Woman was made to stand on her own two feet and to enjoy the respect of her family and friends for doing so. This does mean – some would say regrettably – that Woman will no longer focus on kitchen, bedroom and dining room as her spheres of operation. You can expect to see her bringing home the bacon just as equally as cooking it up flambé. By the same token your 2013 Kiwi Woman will not tolerate the expectation that she must walk behind you, (or in front of you) rather she will insist on walking alongside you. You may also experience difficulties in the home environment with teenage children who insist that Woman 2013 fetch and pick up after them.

3/ Pretty is as pretty does

One of the most remarkable innovations in the 2013 Kiwi Woman model is that she is no longer defined as a pretty wee thing to behold. She is no longer defined as good if she rigorously limits her calorie intake and ensures her diet does not include fats or sugars or if she maintains a decent size 8 figure. These superficialities have been deemed less important in the remodelled version, than the true attractiveness demonstrated by personality and behaviour. Some older males may find this change in the Woman a confusing adaptation but younger males must reacquaint themselves with the updated design and manufacture specifications if they are truly to see the best in their interactions with their Woman. In this model, the only size that truly matters is the size of the Woman’s heart.

4/ New Dialects

It has come to our attention that of all the new dialects we have included in the latest model, by far the most popular is sarcasm. Sarcasm and wit were introduced into the 1960s versions of Woman and have steadily become one of the most important dialects in the Woman series. It is this tremendous command of sarcasm that ensures that Woman is imminently durable and can bounce back from a variety of life stresses and disasters. 2013 Woman is the model you need beside you should you suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Do be aware however, that other frequently engaged dialects include the rustic Anglo-Saxon and the oft-used fricative f-words.

5/ Behavioural Modifications 

The 2013 Woman has evolved into a new being that bears little resemblance to the subservient models of the Victorian age and earlier when women were seen to be chattels owned by the males in their lives. The new model is self-reliant, independent and opinionated however there are some behavioural mods that males need to be aware of. Woman still needs to be told her significant other loves her on a regular basis. This is not a oncer activity, and males must remember that saying ‘I love you’ three years ago when wed does not suffice. The ‘I love You’ tank needs continual refilling if Woman is to behave at peak performance. We have sought a fix to the problem that negative comments and criticisms stick far more than positive affirmations but as yet we have not been successful in fixing this bug. Until that time, we recommend that males apply affection, assurance and the words ‘I love you’ liberally.

6/ The Flower Issue

We have endeavoured to replace the strong delight in receiving flowers with more useful functions such as a strong delight in receiving car parts, computer software, RPG Games and Boy’s toys, but have not yet been successful. If any male knows how to hack this function please do email us with your suggestions. Until that time we recommend that males just accept their Woman loves receiving flowers (and choccy’s and gifts) get over it!

7/ On-going issues 

We likewise have not found workarounds to the following traits.

  • Demanding toilet seats are put down
  • Protesting at flatulence in the bedroom
  • Inability to fake excitement in fishing, cricket or watching paint dry
  • Preference for grocery buying to buying computer equipment
  • Agreeing a proper meal does not need to contain a vegetable from the green colour group (eg/beans and sausages and potato does NOT a meal make!)

8/ Recommendations

We recommend that males consider themselves to be partners of the Woman 2013, not owners or keepers, and that they act accordingly.

We recommend that arguments are solved with hugs and affection, and that males attempt to understand that tears are not emotional manipulation but a function of extreme distress.

We recommend that males make time each day to check in with their Woman, if only to determine whether a recalibration of mood is required. Apply laughter and good times heartily.

But most of all, never, ever forget that your version of 2013 Kiwi Woman is unique and you are bloody lucky to have her!




'Woman – A Manual ver 2013' has 8 comments

  1. August 27, 2013 @ 7:19 am Claudia

    I disagree about sarcasm and wit only being introduced in the 1960’s model. Have you read Jane Austin lately? I’d suggest sarcasm and wit are in the original factory design.
    Otherwise a great post.


  2. August 27, 2013 @ 8:22 am Steve

    I’m still trying to find the Skynet ID label. I know there’s one somewhere.


    • August 27, 2013 @ 9:46 am vegemitevix

      It’s possible but I wouldn’t suggest you go looking for the reset button on the body unit.


  3. August 27, 2013 @ 9:34 am Elizabeth Collins

    Hahaha – that had me laughing all the way through, and if hubby wasn’t so busy himself; I’d have read it out to him (currently that would have only produced grumps and grunts) :-)! Great post!


    • August 27, 2013 @ 9:47 am vegemitevix

      Thanks Eliabeth glad I made you laugh. Laughter is currency!


  4. September 1, 2013 @ 7:38 pm Bright Side of Life

    Love it! 🙂
    What is this thing that all men have with flatulence? It really is seriously off putting!


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