I’ve been blogging for four years now and yet days like today still come.
They’re not days in which I’m tongue-tied – though I do have those days too – they’re days when I ought not to say anything. There’s not nothing to say. There’s too much.
Too much that shouldn’t be uttered.
Too much that shouldn’t be revealed, much of which is not necessarily mine to reveal. Not my stories. Not my pain. Not my journey or fight. And yet, they effect me, and not speaking of that pain is sometimes too hard for someone who puts her difficulties into word pictures in order to see through them.
In the past I’ve blogged about things as if they were happening to me, but I confess now I haven’t been entirely honest. You see some of those things have been tearing away at me from outside of me – they belong to those close to me. Not me. They are happening to someone else.
Yet, I still feel the pain.
I still have to explain to others why things have happened and why other things have not. I still have to cajole gently, tread lightly on the eggshells and maintain at all times a positive outlook. A calm expression that won’t frighten the horses, or the children.
I deflect the anger and the sadness and the grief, and some days, like today, my own personal shield and set of emotional armour is not entirely robust. This is not easy. I am not Teflon. I cannot shake everything off, all the time.
Sometimes the spear slices cleanly through the chinks in the armour. I know in my rational mind that I should not take it to heart, it’s the illness talking. I know sometimes I send back hateful angry messages, but these are only directionless darts they don’t intentionally have a target.
They are an expression of my frustration. Not hate. Though hateful they might sound.
I have too much to say.
Yet I am gagged by all these things I shouldn’t say.
May I just ask of you one thing?
Today as you go about your life, please keep an eye out for those who are suffering, physically and mentally. Be gentle with them, and please be even more gentle with their loved ones. Their pain is not so obvious.