My Mum has suffered from congenital hearing loss my whole life, and though it is sometimes very difficult for her she bears it with mischevious good humour.
Which is helpful as she often mishears with hilarious results!
Some years ago when I was in my early twenties I stayed with Mum on and off as I backpacked my way around Australia and Asia. She was based in Coolangatta on Queensland’s Gold Coast in those days, and we would often share a bottle of wine on her balcony and chat as the sun sank in the west. I loved these moments with Mum, where I was all of a sudden old enough to have a drink with her and talk about adult things.
I was young and foolish and thought I knew everything. If only, I knew half as much now, as I thought I knew then!
One day we were driving through the streets of Cooli chatting away – me with my intense need to wisen my old Mum up, Mum nodding and humouring me – when a boy-racer pulled up alongside us at the lights. He was driving a souped up Holden Commodore, his car bouncing on ridiculously large mag wheels, his muffler roared like an emphysemic lion, and flames were signwritten across bonnet. I knew what would happen next, as he turned to gawp at me. He put his foot down, floored the accelerator and burned us off the lights. I rolled my eyes at this display turned to Mum and said:
“My dick is this big!”
Derisively demonstrating a mere inch or so with my hands as I said it.
Thankfully she laughed. I think she might have protested with a ‘Vix that’s terrible!’ but she did laugh. And on we went driving through the carefree summer sunshine, me feeling proud that I’d shared something a tad risque with my mother, (and got away with it!) and all was well with the world.
It must have been a week or so later when once again we were out in the car, chatting and singing along to music. I’d given Mum the Phantom of the Opera CD and we were singing away heartily until we pulled up to the lights, Mum turned the music down on the CD and asked me to open the window.
“Whew it’s hot. Let a bit of breeze in will you Vix?”
I didn’t notice the car in the lane next to me. I knew it was there, but I didn’t really notice it, until later. One minute Mum was talking to me quietly and the next the lights changed to green.
The mullet in the car next to us turned to give me ‘the look’ (‘howzabout it you and me babe!’) and I could tell he was making plans to burn us off. My mother pointed in his direction. And then she repeated something she’d obviously misheard.
My mother leaned over to me and VERY LOUDLY said to me….
…..I could see everything in slow motion – ….
…her mouth moving, the words sailing through the air, across the car, through my open window, across to his car, through his open window and smacking the boy-racer in the face.
“How big’s your dick?”
I shrank in the seat, my face burning up with embarassment.
With fear in my eyes, I turned to Mum and implored her to “step on it”.
We burnt him off, I vowed to never, ever ‘educate’ Mum again, and as we pulled into the garage I swear I heard Mum chuckle.
Image: Flickr CC