Since I’ve been living in England I’ve had to learn an entirely new dialect, and in some cases a new language.
In the hope of helping newcomers to Blighty I’ve decided to publish a quick guide to the new English language.
New English Dictionary
1. Drought (dr-owt) – A period of unseasonably cool temperatures, and considerable outpourings of the ‘wrong kind of rain’. Governmental reaction employs a left field solution – announcing hose pipe bans and flood warnings within ten days of each announcement.
2. Northerner (ee – by -gum) – someone who lives in London whose ancestral home is north of the Watford Gap.
3. Health and Safety (elf n safety) – a 21st century redefinition of something that was previously known, in the dark ages, as common sense. Common sense was deemed to be significantly uncommon in the latter years of the 20 Century, so Health and Safety warnings were created to re-educate the public. Notable health and safety warnings include posters in public toilets on how to use the toilet and how to wash your hands.
3. Irish (oi-rish) – A mythical race who once (pre economic crash) lived in the green pastures of this northern land, but now typically, reside in Sydney, Australia.
4. English Summer (as if) – a period of warmish weather that lasts longer than three days at a stretch. A mysterious ball of fire may appear in the sky at this time, prompting English folk to throw off their clothes and drink lager.
5. Britain’s Got Talent (ahem) – a popular tv show that has replaced the travelling circus. Critics are however increasingly calling for the banning of BGT due to the inhumane treatment of its audience.
6. Spray tan (tango) – the process by which sticky orange liquid is squirted at your naked body by a professional stage makeup artist. The resultant fake tan is extrememly popular in Essex.
7. Bank Holidays ( bank oli daze) – days of sloth and gluttony wherein a considerable amount of television is also consumed. Alternatives to this traditional behaviour include flying Ryan Air to Ibiza to say hello to the sun, and sitting in an epic traffic jam that curls 10 miles around the M25.
8. Examinations (eggs am in- oh crap!) – devastatingly difficult tests that evaluate the student’s ability to read their text book and find the answer. Otherwise known as open book tests.
9. Disturbing the peace (diss respectin it, yeh) – what the angry, blotchy faced bunch of middle aged men and women do in an ancient old building that was once set aside in Westminster for the express purpose of leading the country.)
10. Blogger (blogger) – a specialist in publically revealing the minutiae of everyday life, in written word. Collective term – a whinge of bloggers. Requires a thick skin and SOH.
Image: Flickr CC