Bumps in the Night

My Mum, Mrs Vegemitevix Senior, lives in a residential community in Australia, and has served (for her sins) as a member of that community’s body corporate.

quiet please residential area sign

No loud noise, no enthusiasm, no passion...

Whenever anyone has a complaint, my Mum – all five foot one and a half inch of her – has to go and sort it out.

Whether it be deadly brown snakes in someone’s backyard…

….Mum’ll fix it.

Petrol heads’ cars parking on the grass…

….Mum’ll fix it.

Leaving prawns out in your rubbish in the 38 deg C heat to fester and stink…..

…my seventy something grey haired Mum will fix it.

Mum is the quintessential Australian woman, in that she is resourceful and canny and doesn’t surprise easily. She has pretty much dealt with all sorts of problems in her life from wayward daughters that disappear backpacking solo around Asia without calling to let her know she is alive (er yes, that would be me), to battening down the hatches to survive tropical storms, hurricanes and floods, Mum can and will do it. Usually with a smile.

The other morning, one of Mum’s neighbours knocked on her door. He was accompanied by his girlfriend who stood there muching souciantly on her apple as he related his plight to my thoughtful Mum.

“Are you the Body Corp?”

“I’m a member yes,” Not the whole Body Corp, Mum thought quietly to herself.

“Well, I have a complaint.”  He rubbed his red nose with disgust.

“I see. What’s the problem?”

Mum has learnt to never presuppose anything. It could be drains, or litter, or small children riding bikes across his front yard.

“It’s number 22.” And his eyes narrowed.

“It’s a noise complaint. I’ve been to the council, and they said I should come and talk with you.”

Goodness, gracious.

“What’s the matter?” Mum prodded.

The young PE teacher in number 22 – pretty, fit, earnest -seemed like the quiet type.

“It’s the SEX. It goes on and on and on all night. They were at it making a hell of a racket until 5am this morning. I was completely buggered this morning at work, I couldn’t even think.”

Mum looked up at his worn face and noted the dark circles under his ears, and that glimmer of desperation in his eye, (from exhaustion or from envy?) swallowed down an hysterical giggle and stammered her affirmation that she would most certainly do something about the wild sex that was keeping the neighbour – in the next detached house – awake!

And with that she closed the door and dissolved into laughter, wondering what on earth the council, or indeed she was going to do about it.

How would you deal with the neighbours’ noisy sex?


Image: Flickr CC



'Bumps in the Night' has 15 comments

  1. March 8, 2012 @ 12:25 pm Dorothy @ Singular Insanity

    You know what?  I think your mum will think of something 🙂  Ear plugs?  


    • March 9, 2012 @ 10:32 pm vegemitevix

      I think some of these suggestions have been brilliant. Just the other day someone was telling me about a piece of music his flatmate always put on when he brought his lady friend home. Hmm there’s a thought, what kind of music would be best to cover up noisy sex?


      • March 10, 2012 @ 6:02 am Katriina

        I had a flatmate once who would regularly go for it with her boyfriend a couple of rooms away from mine. They were considerate enough to play loud music to drown out the noise (they favoured “She Drives Me Crazy” by Fine Young Cannibals). Unfortunately, we lived in an old house – one of those Brisbane weatherboard classics that were effectively built on stilts. The whole house would literally sway on its foundations whenever they did the deed. The music didn’t help an awful lot…!


  2. March 8, 2012 @ 1:38 pm PippaD

    ROFL, I can’t wait to find out what your Mum comes up with! If it was me having to tell the neighbours to keep it down I think I might just move rather than tell them!


    • March 9, 2012 @ 10:30 pm vegemitevix

      I must ask her what she said next time I talk with her. No doubt she will have come up with something witty. She’s a real character, my Mum.


  3. March 8, 2012 @ 2:05 pm Steve

    They should invite others to watch or participate for a fee. Just a thought.


    • March 9, 2012 @ 10:29 pm vegemitevix

      Apparently one of the other neighbours said ‘oh poor girl’, and a third said ‘hardly. I think bloody lucky girl!’.


  4. March 8, 2012 @ 2:33 pm uniquenique01

    So funny not sure how I would approach that one I think I would rather deal with the snakes than spoil someone elses fun ;~D


    • March 9, 2012 @ 10:29 pm vegemitevix

      Oh errant trouser snakes are way more preferable I think. You can’t laugh off a brown snake. 


  5. March 8, 2012 @ 6:00 pm Maid In Australia

    Thankfully, I have never had that problem. Most people I have lived near have kids, and therefore the noisy kids/crying babies are more of a problem than the sex. Sex, if available, tends to be quiet, so as not to wake the kids!


    • March 9, 2012 @ 10:28 pm vegemitevix

       I once had a neighbour in posh Ascot in Brisbane who kept us all awake playing sad music all night (must have broken up with her boyfriend). After six hours of country music I was in tears too. But the funny thing is I got my own back the next morning…. I placed both the baby and the toddler on the verandah next to her house at 6am! Bahahahahaha!


  6. March 8, 2012 @ 8:32 pm Carol Jane

    Hilarious!  Perhaps the sleep deprived complainant should “innocently” call the police and report a “domestic altercation next door causing a hell of a racket” the next time he’s kept awake….


    • March 9, 2012 @ 10:26 pm vegemitevix

      hahaha! Actually I did hear the story about the couple having sex in their car and she lay on her phone by mistake and it dialled the emergency services. All they could hear was ‘arrrrgh, oooooooh, NOOOOOO, arrrrrgh, uhhhhh!’ And what sounded like slapping around. Imagine their surprise when they arrived at the car!


  7. March 9, 2012 @ 12:06 am Nicola De Gouveia

    My neighbours do it every single Monday morning without fail. (Only day they have a baby sitter, I think) They start at 10 sharp. Sometimes it goes on for an hour or more, sometimes 15 minutes. Now I’m prepared and play Abba. Really, really loudly. They know I know, but when we pass each other in the hall, they look the other way and I have to resist the urge to whistle Waterloo.


    • March 9, 2012 @ 10:24 pm vegemitevix

       I’m not sure I can even reply to that without humming Waterloo to myself. Please could you hum Waterloo next time you see them? For me? And report back. x


Would you like to share your thoughts?

Your email address will not be published.